Gentle Moming

The other day, was a really hard parenting day.

Everyone went to bed super late the night before. I was up a lot. My boob was a pacifier for half the night. When I managed to get Ben off my boob, my sweet little cuddler Eli kept wedging his knees and body into me in a very confining and uncomfortable way.  Erik woke up at 5:45am, and his rustling around woke me up. Sigh.

It was still dark out. I laid there thinking to myself, “This is fine, I’ll take some time to myself and do a Sadhana (stretching, meditation, and prayer time) to get my head right.”

As soon as the thoughts crossed my head, I heard a little voice on my left saying, “Mommy did we wake up?” “I guess so, Bud.” Double sigh.

I look to my right and Ben was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Triple sigh. “I guess we are getting up.”

Eli has been having trouble with his eyes, and we have been having to do saline drops and hot packing. That morning, he was having none of it and was yelling, screaming, and flailing about it.

The baby was fussy.

I realized I got my dates mixed up, and I missed our chiropractor appointment that I was looking forward to and was so hopeful would help get his eyes back on track.

I’m cranky in the mornings anyway and need at least an hour to not talk and get myself ready to face the day. By the time I got to the breakfast table that morning, I was a raging bitch, swearing in front of my children, and having pretty much the worst, most negative, mindset.

After Erik left, we spent a little time doing Eli’s school work, and I got us up, out, and to the park by 9:30am.

We reset, hung out with understanding friends, and everyone had a great late morning and afternoon…. Until eye drop and hot pack time again. The intensity of Eli’s tantrums really gets to me. We both ended up yelling and crying. I swore in anger in front of my children again. It was nothing less than horrible.

I packed everyone up, and we went outside until Erik got home. We had dinner then Erik took over, so I could get my head right. (What a blessing it is to have support like that.)

This season with Eli’s eye issues has been very trying for all of us. It’s been about a month now of having to clean and hot pack 3 times a day.

It has brought out the worst in all of us.  

I have been doing a lot of beating myself up for not handling things well and keeping with the gentle (kind but firm) parenting approach I so strongly believe in.

That was another day that I just felt disgusted in and angry at myself for not handling things better.

Last night, I got much better sleep.

The next morning, I felt God speaking to my heart that today was a fresh new day and to start over. Eli and I cuddled, chatted, and sang songs before getting out of bed. We did his eye care routine with very little issues.  

I truly believe in the parenting approach of having firm boundaries but doing so with love, forgiveness, and grace.

However, this is not easy to navigate when you had no guide to this parenting approach. Us first generation gentle parents are floundering a bit out here trying to find our way, deal with our own lack of emotional intelligence, while simultaneously trying to teach our children to cope with their big feelings. For my fellow first gen gentle parents, I know you know.

I laid down with the boys for a nap this afternoon, and I got thinking about gentle parenting.

How can I authentically show forgiveness, grace, and love to my boys if I am over here berating myself when I screw up? I’m not “gentle moming,” so how can I possibly gentle parent in a true and genuine way? Kids see through our bullshit. In my experience, they feed off of vibes and not words.

What a cool message from God. “Today is a new day. Start fresh.”

Parenting is hard. I don’t have it all together. I am certain that I’ll screw up again.

His grace is sufficient.

If you’re an imperfect parent and human like me, this is your sign to show yourself love, grace, and forgiveness.

“’My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9